


Snevolution (Snake Revolution)

by AughtPunk



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fluff, M/M, No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, Sorry Gaiman he's mine now, Warlock is my son, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29518662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: Warlock is going through his Teenage Rebellion Phase and decides the best thing to do is to buy a snake.The biggest snake he could find.And that black and red snake looks *perfect* for the job.
Relationships: Crowley & Warlock Dowling, Warlock Dowling/Adam Young
Comments: 17
Kudos: 101





	Snevolution (Snake Revolution)

Warlock Dowling was going to buy a snake. 

Not just any snake. No, he was going to buy the largest, most dangerous snake he could find. Even if it meant going to the shadiest exotic pet store in all of London to do so! Warlock was going to get a giant snake as a pet and no one was going to stop him. Not his Mom, not his Dad, and not the personal driver-slash-keeper he ditched three blocks ago. No one. He was going through his rebellious teen phase after all. The least he could do was get a pet that could potentially eat his parents. 

It was their fault anyway. They’re the ones that sneered at his choice of clothes that morning, saying a few choice words about his pleated tartan skirt over black skinny jeans combination before chalking it up to Teenage Rebellion. His parents also used Teenage Rebellion as an excuse for the pride flag patch sewn onto the sleeve of his favorite jacket. They’ve been chalking up a lot of things about Warlock to Teenage Rebellion. So why not lean into it? Do it in style, just like Nanny used to say. 

Warlock repeated those words over and over as he strolled through the densely-packed aisles of the shady exotic pet store. Each row was made out of cages packed full of various animals and birds to the point they could barely move. The smell of the small shop was overwhelming to the point of nausea yet the noise was somehow worse. Every time Warlock passed a cage the animals inside would scream, begging him for freedom or at least a meal not served in pellet form.

They’d be worse off running around London, Warlock told himself as he ignored the cry of Brother Bettong scratching at the cage’s door. Totally get hit by a car and die, Warlock continued as tried not to think about how Sister Dik Dik didn’t even have room to stand in her own cage. Or slowly starve to death which was like way worse, Warlock added as he stepped around the near-overflowing terrarium of Sibling Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. Now that he took a good look around the only creature not shoved into a tiny cage was a beige owl snoozing on top of the gila monster enclosure. Warlock paused long enough to check if said owl was actually alive before heading back to the wall of terrariums. 

Outside of a single bored bearded dragon the entire wall was almost entirely brightly colored underfed snakes. Warlock’s heart twisted at the sight of the poor things, and was a heartbeat away from buying them all--maybe they could share his parents for a meal--when he spotted the largest terrarium in the center of it all. Unlike the packed others this one contained a single massive snake coiled in on itself to the point where all Warlock could see was black scales and a ruby red belly. It had to be twice as long as Warlock, maybe larger. He ignored the multiple danger signs on the terrarium and pressed his face against the glass to properly stare at the creature in awe.

“You’re  _ perfect _ .” Warlock whispered to the snake. 

“Sorry, he’s taken.” Said a sing-song voice from his right side.

Warlock jumped and turned only to come face-to-face with a teenage boy his age. A cute teenage boy. A cute teenage boy covered in exotic animals like a Disney princess. A cute teenage boy covered in exotic animals like a Disney princess who also had curly light brown hair and blue eyes and a smile that made Warlock completely forget how to talk. He still gave it a go. 

“Ngk.”

Nope, didn’t work. 

The teenage boy tilted his head, nearly knocking off the African Grey Parrot perched on his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I’m fine! Totally normal! Tickety-boo!” Warlock mentally kicked himself for slipping into classic Brother Francis before plowing on, “I’m just sad the snake’s already been sold! Yup. Totally heartbroken. I’m Warlock.”

Warlock offered his hand to the other boy who just stared at it oddly. Well why don’t you look at that. Time to crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment. Least it couldn’t get worse.

“You’re a warlock?”

It got worse. “No. My name’s Warlock. Old British name.”

“I guess it is?” The other boy reached out and took Warlock’s hand which set off a whole lot of other panicking alarms in his head. “I’m Adam. Want to help me destroy this pet shop?” 

Warlock forced himself to stop shaking Adam’s hand. “Not the animals, right?” 

That got Adam’s small smile to turn into a full-out grin. “Knew you were a good one. Nah, the animals will be sent someplace safe. So, are you in?”

“On one condition.” Warlock said, shocked at the sound of his own voice. 

“What?”

“Can I have your number?” 

Well, that was it. That was all of the bravery Warlock had in his entire teenage body. And he could actually feel it leak out of his body in real time as the boy’s smile vanished only to be replaced by confusion and finally land on slightly amused. Well at least he gave it a shot. Nanny would be proud. He was going to slink off into the shadows and pretend none of this ever happened when Adam reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“Hey! What are--”

Warlock wasn’t sure where the pen in Adam’s hand came from. Probably because he was too focused on watching the other teenager write a phone number on the back of his hand. 

“There.” Adam let go of his hand, leaving a ghost of warmth behind. “Can you go distract the owner while I get everything ready?”

Warlock almost said yes, anything, but was able to keep some level of dignity and nodded instead. He headed to the front of the shop where the owner sat behind the till. The man looked like the personification of tobacco smoke and axle grease, and was reading a magazine almost as grubby as he was. The man didn’t even look up as Warlock walked up.

“I want to buy the big black and red snake.” Warlock said, stressing his words.

“It’s not for sale.” The man grunted into his magazine.

Warlock shrugged, pulled out the huge wad of cash he stole from his Dad out from his hoodie pocket, and dropped it on the counter in front of the shop owner. “I want the snake.”

Much to the man’s credit he was able to keep his face vaguely emotional at the large wad of cash. His eyes, however, now contained a sparkle that was not in them before. He picked the cash up and thumbed through it, trying his best to make unimpressed noises as he did so. The man stood up silently and gestured for Warlock to follow. Together they walked to the back of the shop. Adam, Warlock noticed, was no longer there.

“She’s a real beauty.” The man said as he tapped on the front of the large black and red snake’s tank. “You know how to take care of ‘em?”

“A little.” Warlock said, which didn’t really cover a lifetime of snake care knowledge he couldn’t really remember picking up. 

“Eh, just toss ‘em a rat once a week and they take care of themselves.” The man said, with the confidence of not knowing one was completely wrong. He reached into the tank and carefully grabbed onto the large snake. “Wake up, beautiful, you’ve been sold.

It was then a lot of things happened all at once. 

First, the snake opened its eyes. This was weird because snakes don’t have eyelids. 

Second, the tank it was resting in was just gone. Just. Gone.

Third, and most importantly, the snake grinned (another thing Warlock was sure snakes couldn’t do) and lunged at the owner. 

The man screamed--rightfully so--and staggered back, only for the snake to completely wrap itself around him, squeezing him tight. The snake reared its head back and let out a cackling hiss that for some reason sounded vaguely familiar to Warlock. 

“PATHETIC FOOL,” Said the snake and man that voice was really ringing some bells in Warlock’s head, “YOU THINK YOU CAN CONTAIN A BEAST SUCH AS I? I, OLDER THAN THE PYRAMIDS? WHO FIRST TEMPTED MAN? THE GREATEST DEMON WHO HAS EVER LIVED? FOOL! YOUR IGNORANCE SHALL BE YOUR DOWNFALL!”

The man promptly fainted. It was probably for the best. 

Seriously, Warlock thought, where did he know that snake’s voice?

Wait.

“Nanny?”

The snake’s head swung around to face the young teenager. “Warlock?”

Adam poked his head out from behind one of the shelves. “You guys know each other?”

Suddenly the snake wasn’t a snake anymore, but a man in stylish clothes and large snake eyes. Funny, Warlock always thought of them as cat eyes when he was little. Before the cool teenager part of Warlock could kick in he ran up and hugged his Nanny, who gleefully hugged him back. 

***

Warlock left the now-closed pet shop that day with three important things.

One, he had the number of a very cute boy named Adam.

Two, he had the number of his Nanny, who turned out to be a retired demon who was now living in South Downs with Brother Francis (who turned out to be a retired angel) and was now helping Adam make the world a better place little bits at a time. And thanks to a little bit of demonic magic all of the animals in the shop were safe and sound back home in their natural environments. 

Well. Except one animal. Which was also the third important thing.

“Well? What do you think of Jay?”

Warlock beamed at his parents as his brand new ball python wrapped itself loosely around his shoulders. Justajay, or Jay for short, looked rather comfy and was certainly enjoying its time away from that horrible shop. 

His mother grinned with all of her teeth. “Honey. If you wanted a pet we could have gotten you a cat.”

His father huffed. “Or a dog! Real men own dogs! Why don’t you hand over that snake and--”

Before his father could even move the snake lifted its head and hissed at Warlock’s parents. They both coward back in fear, much to the snake’s amusement. It was, after all, under strict orders from Crowley to cause as much misery for them as possible. Warlock patted its head fondly, already looking forward to the rest of his teenage rebellion. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't heard, [I've been going through some hard times](https://aughtpunk.com/2019/11/24/in-which-i-am-very-bored-at-a-psych-ward/). Thank you everyone so much for your kudos and comments. They always help pick me up when things get dark. Really. Love you all.
> 
> If you enjoy my writing please check out my other fics or head to [my website](https://aughtpunk.com/want-to-help-out/) for information on my non-fic writing and how to help me out while I'm putting my life back together.
> 
> Be sure to tag me as @AughtPunk on [Twitter,](https://twitter.com/aughtpunk) [Tumblr,](http://aughtpunk.tumblr.com) or [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/AughtPunk) if you want to say hi, or ever make any fan content of my work. No need to ask permission, art and fic is always welcomed!


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